Ways motorized vehicles (and attacking squirrels) have tried to kill me

After arriving in Spokane late while moving, my mom drove over a 4 foot brick wall between the Jack in the Box and Safeway parking lot with me in the passenger seat, thinking it was an entrance. It wasn’t. The car was high centered on two wheels. I was moving my fish during that drive, and one suffered PTSD and died a few days later.

One month into my first car and the day before Thanksgiving, I hit Bambi on a highway at 60 mph on a highway at midnight about 30 minutes outside of Spokane.

On the freeway, a back tire blew up while I was going about 65 mph.

The next week while driving a friend home at about 2 am, my front tire went flat. (Cost of this week: 4 brand freakin new tires. I got pretty decent very quickly at putting spares on though!)

My hood (replaced from bambi incident) flew up on the highway while I was driving about 55 mph w/ my best friend in the passenger seat. In driver’s ed, they teach you that you can look through the crack under the hood to steer your car to safety. They lie.

While on my way to work (thinking I was over the stomach flu) after a 30 minute drive, I vomited all over my car while on the off ramp from the freeway. My oh-so-pleasant boss at Safeway didn’t believe me when I called in sick as my shift was starting.

After coasting down the Lewiston hill (a 7% grade) at 70 mph, I got a speeding ticket from the coolest cop ever.

I have been in the car for numerous of my friends’ speeding tickets/getting out of speeding tickets.

When I was a stupid teenager and didn’t realize the veracity with which cars were trying to kill me, I was in my friend’s car with no seat belt on my friend’s lap when we got pulled over for having a tail light out, expired tabs, and too many passengers for seat belts. He stopped us because we drove out of the Taco Bell parking lot with two cups full of water sitting on the roof of the bronco.

I was in the car while my best friend accidentally played bumper cars with another friend’s tailgate.

I got a newer car (read: super sexy ’97 oldsmobile cutlass supreme) for graduation from my dad. Less than a month later I had to replace the alternator because the battery wouldn’t hold a jump for over 4 blocks.

The DAY i moved into the dorms my freshman year of college I filled up gas at a gas station (preparing to drive to Vancouver BC for a snow patrol concert) and t-boned an SUV because a semi was parked obstructing my view from the exit. We subsequently threw the bumper from my car in the back seat and drove to the concert. The border patrol individuals gave us some funny looks when we passed by with a bumper in the back seat and “midget 4 sale” on the back window.

This car was broken into by some idiot with a rock to the passenger window the summer of my freshman-sophomore year. There was nothing there, so they pulled the info (read: manual) from my glove box and were on their way.

The battery died in my sexymobile while it was stored at my aunt’s house. We bought a new battery and my dad replaced it. Afterward, while it was parked outside the garage, the window was cracked for some repairs. Being in the suburbs of Seattle/a RAINforest, the backseat was flooded.

I finally sold said sexymobile, deciding never to own one so long as I could help it.

While taking the Greyhound home for the holidays because the airport had shut down, I chose my seat wisely: next to a friend I ran into. The bus made a special stop at the airport for him and other passengers. Minutes after we dropped him off, the bus cut a corner too tight to avoid the median/gigantasaurus snow bank and slammed into a crosswalk sign. The window next to me/where he had been sitting shattered and I got to enjoy the frigid air and adrenaline until my mom arrived and picked me up.

During spring break, I was sound asleep with my contacts out when my friend hit a patch of black ice on the LAST leg of the trip home. He was coming around a corner and spun out of control for about 1/4 mile, then slammed into the median at about 65 mph. We skidded to a stop on it as sparks were flying about 100 feet later. I have never been more terrified in my life and thought I was going to die. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. I had a spinal contusion which felt pretty lovely, and had the pleasure of taking a joyride on a Greyhound through a blizzard.

During the lovely, blizzard-filled winter of ’10-11, I decided to take my plant home from my mom’s house. It has cute pink flowers and evil thorns. I took it through airport security, only to find out that my flight was cancelled for the blizzard. Round 2 several hours later went more smoothly until we started to descend near Seattle when my plane was struck by lightning. That’s right, lightning. While adrenaline’d up and delayed from this fiasco, I had to run to catch my connection while carrying my god-forsaken thorny plant. It now thrives in California sunshine.

Let’s recap: cars, buses, and planes all find new and innovative ways to try to kill me. I’ve been in a bike accident that caused $250 worth of damage, but nothing motorized has tried to attack me since I’ve sworn off those large steel contraptions. 🙂